Over the past couple years, especially, God has really been showing me some profound insecurities, misconceptions, and struggles that have lodged themselves in my soul. He's helping me root them out, but I've got a feeling it will be a years-long process. They go very deep.
In the midst of discovering my fears, God has showered me with confirmation that they are not unique to me. I believe these are issues that many of us deal with. The problem is that we don't talk about them, and that needs to change.
I mean things like:
- perfectionism
- works-based approval (both from God and from others)
- religiosity & legalism
These problems can manifest themselves with symptoms such as:
- inability to believe that you are truly "free in Christ"
- tendency to overanalyze even insignificant thoughts, decisions, etc.
- wondering whether you're idolizing something or someone you deeply love
- inability to let your mistakes go
- inability to rest in your spiritual life
We're ever striving, striving, striving. Ever feeling like we haven't quite reached the mark -- like there's a little more we could and should give. Never feeling like it's okay to say, "That's enough for now"; not wanting to settle down and be at peace or "do something for us" -- something fun and frivolous and "not spiritual" -- because we equate peace (a gift of the Holy Spirit) with complacency, and we believe that being "all in" for God means shunning anything that even slightly resembles satisfaction for our "flesh."
Forgetting that "every good and perfect gift comes from above" (James 1:17).
Forgetting that "God . . . richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6:17).
Forgetting that having doubts, questions, and fears doesn't automatically boot you out of the Kingdom. (Remember Thomas?)
Forgetting that the Spirit gives different people different gifts, and that it's a crying shame when we fool ourselves into thinking our gifts and talents and callings aren't "spiritual" enough (1 Corinthians 12:14-27).
Forgetting that when Jesus prayed for His disciples the night before His crucifixion, He didn't pray that God would remove our humanity, but that He would purify it (John 17:15). (Michael Lloyd has great things to say about the whole issue of hating our humanity in his Café Theology.)
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| (random bunny because bunnies are happy) |
Suffice it to say, for now, that I believe there are lies that the enemy has spoken into our souls, and it's been hurting my heart today to think about how deeply we've fallen for them -- what damage they've caused our mental, emotional, and spiritual psyches, what scars they've left on us. So I wanted to hopefully speak some truth and love into this kind of situation (and please understand that I need to latch onto this every bit as much as you might). I think this is one of the main things it comes down to: we haven't really grasped, deep down in our souls, that we -- individually -- are loved by God. And there is something so broken in the outlook of a Christian who doesn't believe God adores them.
Beauty, please believe that you are loved.
That's what I want to leave you and I with today. We think we're clinging to God by a thread, and that any mistake or mishap could break it and send us plunging. We also think that we're the ones doing the running after God, as if He isn't running after us too -- more than that, He was running after us first. First and always.
So if this is you -- if you struggle with feeling like you never perform well enough for God, if every slip-up has the potential to send you into a whirlwind of self-doubt, if you don't truly believe down in the core of you that God loves you voluntarily and passionately -- please try to believe this instead. Please allow this message to sink down into your soul and dare to believe that it might be true:
You are not alone and you will not be given up on.
(P.S. I'm right here trying with you, and I'd love to talk. Please feel free to reach out. We need each other. <3)
(P.S. I'm right here trying with you, and I'd love to talk. Please feel free to reach out. We need each other. <3)
Oh, Olivia!! <3 You are in my prayers. God loves you infinitely!! It is true that we need to do good works, pray, and sacrifice, but we also can't be scrupulous. God's grace works with our slip-ups and our imperfections as long as we cooperate with Him. I offer my entire day to God, but in doing so, I offer sufferings and mistakes as well. If you'd ever like to chat, just message me!! I am a very spiritual person. This doesn't mean that we can't take pleasure or participate in things that aren't directly involved in religion. My standard is just to make sure that an activity, fandom, book, movie, etc, isn't directly against Jesus, His teachings, the Church, or morality. Remember Philippians 4:8 "For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things." I hope you find healing and comfort in God's goodness. He loves you so much and I do too! God bless you and keep you!! <3
ReplyDeleteHello Olivia. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am also blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you and about your christian faith and your love for the Lord Jesus Christ. I am encouraged by going through your blog post and has some feeling as Sarah has expressed in her comment. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 40 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the brokenhearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. we would love to have you come with your friends to work with us during your vacation time. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends also wishing you a blessed and a Christ centered rest of the year 2018. My email id is:dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede
ReplyDeleteOh my, I can definitely relate, Olivia. <3 I've gone through many of these same struggles, especially throughout recent years. But, especially in this past year, God has been revealing so many wonderful truths to me about Him and about myself -- like just how much He loves me and that what I do now or have done in the past doesn't define who I am to Him.
ReplyDeleteThere was a point in my life about a year ago when I would pray to Him that I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, and that I wanted so much to be able to please my parents, myself, and most importantly, Him. I just wanted to please God. But then, one Sunday morning in the midst of that, I went up for prayer and the guest minister who was preaching that morning, as he was praying for me, told something to me that I'll never forget. I don't remember exactly everything he said, but one thing he said jumped out at me, forever changing my perspective -- "God is so pleased with you." What? God is pleased with me? He's ALREADY pleased with me? How could that be... what about when I failed that time or did that... 'Faith, I'm already pleased with YOU,' God spoke to my heart soon after that. 'You aren't what you do or what you've done. You're My child. You're My daughter. That's who you are. You don't have to try and earn My affection... you've already got it, so quit trying to get it.' So my wrong thinking on how God must not be truly pleased with me was dampening the reality of God's love for me in my life. The enemy would so like us to think that way; I've been learning recently about how we need to take those wrong, ungodly, un-scriptural thoughts captive, and be transformed by the renewing of our minds by spending time with Him and in His Word and find out the Truth. What we think and dwell on is so important.
I'm of course still in the midst of going through some of these difficulties, and I definitely don't have everything figured out yet, but God is teaching and guiding me everyday, as I know He is with you, Olivia! <3 Love ya, girl so much, and God loves you ever SO MUCH, too!! We'll get through this together, with God with us and working in us. <3<3<3 *hugs*
"Greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world." ~1 John 4:4
Ah, sweet, sweet Olivia! I know exactly what you're saying here. I feel like for so long, like you said, "ever striving, striving, striving" has been my life! Never enough, not good enough, not believing enough, etc. Even though I KNOW the truth (God loves me, He saves me, not myself, and all that good stuff!) I always forget and fall into a circle of fear, doubt and questioning. The line that really resonated with me, realizing what I've been doing, is "We think we're clinging to God by a thread, and that any mistake or mishap could break it and send us plunging. We also think that we're the ones doing the running after God, as if He isn't running after us too -- more than that, He was running after us first. First and always." He holds us in His hand, not our hold on Him that saves us. And I totally get what you're saying about resting in our Christian lives - that hardly ever happens for me, and what a shame, when Jesus says, "Come unto me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." And it's so true, He WILL give us rest. I just get so caught up in my own performance, not realizing that Jesus' performance is the one credited to my account! :) And I always kinda compare myself to other Christians, who "have it together all the time." Now that's pretty depressing! :) But then, none of us really "have it together" because we're all still in this sinful world. The key to all of this, I think, is just looking to Jesus! He is enough, always, for everything that we go through. And He loves us sooo much!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteSo, *hugs,* Olivia. Thank you SO SO SO much for talking about these struggles, because a lot of people don't talk about them. We can all pray for each other. :)
I love you, sister!!
Vanessa :D
I feel lame leaving a short comment, but we have already talked a little bit about this....so for now I just want to say this is BEAUTIFUL. Brava for sharing your struggles with us. <3 We all struggle too and it's so wonderful when we can be honest with each other and help each other process and defeat what weighs us down. (Though of course it's Christ who ultimately defeats it. :))
ReplyDeleteLove you!!! *hugs tight*
For sure many of your readers can relate to this Olivia. And of course only God can answer it and can help you figure things out.
ReplyDeleteI actually feel you Olivia! Sometimes in life even if we knew that God is there and will never leave us but there are circumstances that we questioned Him. Human as we are we fall short of ourselves and to others. But just keep on believing to God. It's all His will.
ReplyDeleteIt's a fast and enduring track to unhappiness.
ReplyDeleteI love the footprints, it reminds me on something.
ReplyDeleteJust be strong on your faith.
ReplyDeleteWow! nice story..
ReplyDeleteYet again, it seems I never replied to all these lovely comments. Rest assured that they did and do mean a lot to me, and I really appreciate them. You're all a wonderful group of people to grow in faith with. Love you! <3 *hugs all around*
ReplyDeleteIt's true, bunnies are happy. My Gus is happy too follow him on Instagram gus_nottinghill
ReplyDeleteOhmigosh, Lulu ... reading this makes me almost wish you were the older sister ... having someone like you speak these almost too-good-to-be-true truths into my life earlier on (like, A LOT earlier on ...) and as beautifully and eloquently as you express them, could have saved me so much pain and heartache in my life. Regardless, I'm so thankful now that I have such an amazing Christ-following sister. You speak to my heart like no one else, and I love you so much. Thank you for this.
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