// some starry evening //

source

- date unknown -

Some starry evening, listen to the soft June breeze whispering amid leaves flickering with fireflies; know the God Who still bends lovingly and caringly over this world battered and bruised through no fault of His.  Then, when the reverie must cease and duty calls for a return to normal life, lift up your face for one last vision of star-sprayed velvet and blow a kiss to the firmament.

For anyone who's also struggling with this

(I have SOOO much that I want to say about this topic, but I don't think I can say it all yet, so I wanted to say a little.)

Over the past couple years, especially, God has really been showing me some profound insecurities, misconceptions, and struggles that have lodged themselves in my soul.  He's helping me root them out, but I've got a feeling it will be a years-long process.  They go very deep.

In the midst of discovering my fears, God has showered me with confirmation that they are not unique to me.  I believe these are issues that many of us deal with.  The problem is that we don't talk about them, and that needs to change.

I mean things like:

- perfectionism
- works-based approval (both from God and from others)
- religiosity & legalism

These problems can manifest themselves with symptoms such as:

- inability to believe that you are truly "free in Christ"
- tendency to overanalyze even insignificant thoughts, decisions, etc.
- wondering whether you're idolizing something or someone you deeply love
- inability to let your mistakes go 
- inability to rest in your spiritual life

We're ever striving, striving, striving.  Ever feeling like we haven't quite reached the mark -- like there's a little more we could and should give.  Never feeling like it's okay to say, "That's enough for now"; not wanting to settle down and be at peace or "do something for us" --  something fun and frivolous and "not spiritual" -- because we equate peace (a gift of the Holy Spirit) with complacency, and we believe that being "all in" for God means shunning anything that even slightly resembles satisfaction for our "flesh." 

Forgetting that maybe sanctification is actually a thing and maybe it's actually a process and maybe that's actually okay.  (I mean, were the disciples magically perfect when they received Jesus' call?  A resounding "heck no" to that.  Well, then, did Jesus give up on them in disgust because they weren't instantly perfect?  How about another resounding "heck no".)

Forgetting that "every good and perfect gift comes from above" (James 1:17). 

Forgetting that "God . . . richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6:17). 

Forgetting that having doubts, questions, and fears doesn't automatically boot you out of the Kingdom.  (Remember Thomas?)

Forgetting that the Spirit gives different people different gifts, and that it's a crying shame when we fool ourselves into thinking our gifts and talents and callings aren't "spiritual" enough (1 Corinthians 12:14-27). 

Forgetting that when Jesus prayed for His disciples the night before His crucifixion, He didn't pray that God would remove our humanity, but that He would purify it (John 17:15).  (Michael Lloyd has great things to say about the whole issue of hating our humanity in his Café Theology.)

(random bunny because bunnies are happy)

I could go on, but, again, I can't cover it all right now.  Hopefully more will be coming soon.  (I'm planning to get a "Resources" page up and running on this blog, where I'll share some of the things that God's been using to help me in this area.)

Suffice it to say, for now, that I believe there are lies that the enemy has spoken into our souls, and it's been hurting my heart today to think about how deeply we've fallen for them -- what damage they've caused our mental, emotional, and spiritual psyches, what scars they've left on us.  So I wanted to hopefully speak some truth and love into this kind of situation (and please understand that I need to latch onto this every bit as much as you might).  I think this is one of the main things it comes down to: we haven't really grasped, deep down in our souls, that we -- individually -- are loved by God.  And there is something so broken in the outlook of a Christian who doesn't believe God adores them.

Beauty, please believe that you are loved.

That's what I want to leave you and I with today.  We think we're clinging to God by a thread, and that any mistake or mishap could break it and send us plunging.  We also think that we're the ones doing the running after God, as if He isn't running after us too -- more than that, He was running after us first.  First and always.

So if this is you -- if you struggle with feeling like you never perform well enough for God, if every slip-up has the potential to send you into a whirlwind of self-doubt, if you don't truly believe down in the core of you that God loves you voluntarily and passionately -- please try to believe this instead.  Please allow this message to sink down into your soul and dare to believe that it might be true:

You are not alone and you will not be given up on.  


(P.S. I'm right here trying with you, and I'd love to talk. Please feel free to reach out. We need each other. <3)

He Is Risen Indeed

                                                                                                                 

Spring winds murmuring,                                                          

Emerald grass marshaling,

Glad birdsong twittering,  

All flowers glimmering.

Rise to a rumor given:

"Fear not, for He is risen."

Creation awaiting with bated breath

The Power that conquered cowardly death.

A slab of granite rolls aside --

Dazzling light bursts from inside -- 

Easter morning dawns.

/////

"Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?  Look at my hands and my feet.  It is I myself!  Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have."

Luke 24:38-39

/////

// airplane reverie //

- 09/25/16 -

Up here in cloudland it is borne in on me again: the vast love and kindness of our Creator God.  With expanses of sky sea stretching out to ice floes of cloud, strange and dangerous urges tug at the dreamer's mind: a longing to step out onto those tundra plains that look so solid, there to wander awhile in blessed solitude, high above the burdens of an earthbound existence, pondering the enigmas of the universe in a place where the reflection is remote enough to be tranquil, and communicating with the Savior Who left high, holier realms than even this to elevate us hence. 

How can it be, the miracle of One True God?

monday music || to resist the roaring lion

Hello, friends!  

I've thought about starting a new series like this for a while -- sharing different songs that I've discovered are really applicable to certain situations, or just if I find a random bunch that I think are cool and should be heard by, well, you. ;)

So for this first edition, I'd like to share some of the songs that have been really helpful to me recently.  As the title suggests, these are for when you need encouragement -- when Satan is prowling around and planting his seeds of doubt and fear (basically, his lies).  

For me personally, I know that many of Satan's attacks on me are related to my performance in my relationship with God -- what I'm doing or not doing that's right or wrong.  Whether I'm "getting it right".  So these songs are mostly related to those kinds of worries. 

Over the past year and a half, God has really been revealing a lot to me about a lot of key issues -- insecurities that are etched deep into my soul, my subconscious, coloring the way I perceive God and myself, and what our relationship is supposed to look like.  I'm still struggling with a lot of these things, but that's okay, because, as I was just telling a friend, I've got an amazing group of people around me, trying to help me readjust my view of myself and of God's heart for me.  (And btdubs, if y'all didn't know -- you're all a part of that group!  Your support and encouragement and friendship really does a lot for me, so thank you. <333)  And I know that God won't abandon me to confusion and despair, no matter how hard Satan tries to convince me that He just might if I'm somehow not doing something right.  My Defender is greater than my enemy.  And these songs help remind me of that.  I hope they do the same for you!

By the way, I got to go to a concert recently and see two of these artists perform.  And they both played the songs that meant the most to me, guys. :')  God loves to give us gifts -- He delights in us.  I think that's something we forget a lot -- I know I do.

Anyway, the songs. :) <3

Don't forget:

Our Defender is greater and stronger than our enemy. 

The College Diaries {2}

I'm finished with my first semester of college!!!!!

Is this not exciting news.

(At any rate, Martin Freeman and Jimmy Fallon clearly think it's exciting news, so your opinion doesn't matter. :-P)

Actually, I put off this post for so long that now I'm almost about to start my second semester, but no matter.  Better late than never, eh?

Highlights of the semester:

* Learning American Sign Language  [I had previously learned just a little bit, and I've always liked it, so this class was a lot of fun.  And yes, I'm taking ASL 102 this coming semester.]

* Seeing so many people I knew, whether from the homeschool graduation program we used for my senior year or from previous co-ops, etc.

* Actually doing well in my stats class!

* Discovering that the campus library has a pretty great fiction selection

* Having four great teachers  [This was a HUUUGE blessing, because I've heard some horror stories of college professors, and I'm sure I'll probably have to run into some at some point in my college career, but it was SUCH a gift to have good teachers for my introduction into college life. :D]

* Being able to use the campus library and an Amazon textbook rental to get out of paying lots of money for things I won't use again!  Yay!  [It was actually really cool, because most math classes in the school require some sort of online homework component that costs a pretty penny, but my stats class did not.]

* Not getting really sick the whole semester!!!  [Praise God!]

* Deciding, like the good girl I am, to "get some exercise in" by walking around the (relatively small) campus between classes, and having that turn out rather differently than expected because I most ungracefully fell   [Yep, this happened.  Thankfully, I don't think anyone saw it -- a great mercy -- but it resulted in slightly scraped hands, a very scraped knee, slightly scuffed boots, and a torn pair of jeans.  It's all good, though. :-P  Could've been much worse, now that I think about it!]

* Listening to a lot of Taylor Swift while studying for tests

* Surprisingly, getting a LOT of leisure reading done   [I attribute this to the fact that I had long breaks between classes.]

* Finding out how useful "Rate My Professor" is  [Bless the humans who invented this.  I have a feeling it'll be used by me quite a lot over the next several years.]

* And I'm sure there are more which I'm forgetting. :-P

Overall, this semester was a big blessing in a LOT of ways.  Really thankful for all the ways God provided and helped!!!  

Any fellow college freshies reading?

How did your first semester go?

// I d i d n ' t //

// Pinterest //

- undated - 

I didn't spend nine months in the Secret Place

Weaving, crafting, loving, marveling

At the beauty taking shape under My fingertips --

I didn't work day and night,

Poring over your loves, your dreams, your struggles, your passions,

Pouring Myself out into this all-consuming, attention-riveting, exquisite masterpiece

Who totally captivated Me -- 

I didn't spend nine months in the Secret Place

To craft you into a carbon copy of someone else.

OAKOQ: Storyboard + Playlist

Hello, all!  I thought I'd share the storyboard and playlist that I have compiled for my Susan Pevensie WIP! :)

First, my storyboard.  I only recently got into storyboarding, but now I'm hooked.  I love it. :D  Check this one out if you want to!  The aesthetic is really pretty, if I do say so myself. :-P

And second, the playlist.  The link to the full playlist (well, technically, it's not finished yet, so some songs are missing) is here, but I want to explain my thoughts on some of them, why they're relevant in my mind, why I like them, why they make me cry inside, etc.  (Also, I sort of just went with one of the first video results for most of these songs, so I can't necessarily vouch for all of the music videos on the playlist.  There may also be mild swearing in some of the songs, though not in any of the ones in this post.)

I would have died, I would have loved you all my life

. . . 

Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up

All the best of what we've done is yet to come

Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up

Just remember who I am in the morning . . . 

*sniffles*  I first heard this song in this video (thanks, Natalie :-P), but I really like it as a theme song for this story.  BECAUSE GUYS SHE HAS LOST HER MEMORY AND IT'S ALL JUST VERY AFFECTING. *sniffles again*

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

One of the things I'm thinking of incorporating into this book is how Susan might have struggled with feelings of works-based approval/comparison in her spiritual walk, so some of the songs on the playlist are contemporary Christian songs that I think both I and Susan relate to on some level.

Because Tay-Tay is my jam sometimes, and because this song is relevant to basically any fandom ever, but especially the Pevensie kids.  (Plus the music video is nice. :-P)

It's been a long day without you, my friend, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

*more crying*  Again, this is one of those songs that applies to any fandom (ESPECIALLY IF IT HAS FEELS), and this one is doubly relevant, because she's been alone for so long. *cries*

Another song that speaks to some of the possible struggles I'm thinking of bringing up in this book.  (Plus, this is a really cool lyric video.)

Because I can hardly have the whole playlist be feelsy or tragic, can I? ;)  Even though this seems like a love song, I think it's definitely applicable to the relationship between the Pevensie siblings.

THIS IS SO APPLICABLE TO EVERYTHING, HONESTLY.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Well, I guess that's all I'll share for now.  Again, you can visit the playlist here, and I'll keep adding songs until it's finished. :)

Thanks for reading! *blows kiss*

Writing Update: I'm Doing NaNoWriMo, But Not??

As some of you may know, I have been working on a continuation of Susan Pevensie's story for a little while now.  I'm really going to try to get at least some sort of first draft done by the end of the year, sooooooo . . . I'm doing NaNoWriMo!  Kind of.  In a way.

So far, my plan is to get at least SOME writing done every day in November, which is why I'm calling it NaNoWriMo, but I'm not really following any other official NaNoWriMo "rules".  I don't think I even know what an "official" NaNoWriMo entails. :-P

I really think God has a plan for me writing this, and I hope I stay on track with it.  The lovely Christine Smith (who has recently been sharing absolutely wonderful posts with NaNoWriMo tips) suggests telling other people about your NaNo goals so that they can hold you accountable.  So here I be! :)

Are you doing NaNoWriMo this year?

What's your best tip from past NaNos?

Friends, a pep talk.

Preface:  There's an important difference between man-made and God-given dreams.  I recognize that.  And yes, I do think that sometimes God may call us to give up a dream or to lay it aside for a time.  

But this post deals with a different situation. 

This post is for you, Christ-follower who wants desperately to just get it right, to do what God wants you to do: you who have become convinced, after prayerful seeking and wise counsel, that God is leading you in a specific direction -- that he has implanted a certain dream in your heart; you who've been wooed in the secret place, when it's just you and God; you who have received whispered confirmations; you who have been excited to move forward in faith, trusting him to make things clear in his time and his way.  But now it's been a little while, and you're starting to have that uneasy feeling that maybe you just got swept up in your emotions and let your imagination get the better of you, and you're staring to doubt the word that you received.  

This post is for you, soul sister (or brother!) of mine.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear radiant being created in the image of the Most High God:

You're thinking of giving up the dream?  Of deciding that maybe you misunderstood what you thought was God's guidance?  That you should probably put the dream on the backburner with a loving pat and leave it where it belongs, and get on with 'real life'?

Maybe things aren't happening as you thought they would, and you're just not so sure anymore, and you don't want to blow your whole life on this?  After all, this is your life you're talking about -- the one life you've been given on this earth during which to glorify God and do things for the Kingdom.  What if you mess it up?  What if you miss his calling?

Go back.

Go back to the late-night whispers, the lamp-lit connections that wouldn't make sense to anybody else, but that thrilled your soul because you recognized them as another confirmation from God.  Remember those hushed, awe-filled moments when the LORD of heaven spoke something deep into your heart.  Remember the joy you felt and the peace he gave, and the purpose that filled you.

Now, don't take off without God -- don't let your imagination run totally unchecked.  Keep holding what you hear up to the Scriptures to test it.  But also make sure that you're keeping in mind the words of Jesus -- to "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment." (Jn. 7:24)  Dig beneath the surface.  Get counsel.  Stay oh, so prayerful.  Keep an open heart; be willing to be led in a different direction if it's the LORD leading.  Stay flexible and prayerful and humble and teachable.  Try to be 'wise and discerning.'

Stay malleable, and don't latch onto the dream with a sense of unhealthy or idolatrous possessiveness (a different thing than claiming the promises that God has spoken over you).  You don't determine how the dream plays out; you don't bind it with your rules.  You don't clench it so tightly that you choke the meaning out of it.

Yes, yes to all of that.  

BUT.

If God has sparked a dream in your heart, then make sure that you cherish that ember and you guard it -- always leaving it fully vulnerable to him and his will -- and grow it in his way and his time.  Don't be afraid to wait for the next step to be revealed, but don't be afraid to step out, either.

You go back to the things God told you about this dream.  You keep in mind that if it is God's leading, won't Satan sure as anything be out in force to find a way to convince you otherwise?  Remember that your enemy is real and that he "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Pet. 5:8)  But "we are not unaware of his schemes." (2 Cor. 2:11)

"Resist him, standing firm in the faith" (1 Pet. 5:9), and remember the catastrophic, world-altering consequences that can result whenever someone starts to listen to that insidious whisper, "Did God really say . . . ?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And now, loves, I need you to do one more thing for me:  Will you watch these three videos (even if you've seen them before) and really let them speak some truth to your soul?

[I'm sure you've heard this one before, but it still needs listening to.  (Also, I apologize for the somewhat scanty outfit in the beginning.  It's still worth watching.)]

[And then this one brings out even more of its potential.]

[This one is because I just went to an "old-fashioned hymn sing" (I know, right?!) and we sang this and it was awesome and I thought mayhap I should include it. :)  (Also, this video?!  Precious alert. <3)]

(If you want an adult choral version, one more similar to what I heard this evening, try this one.)

"Dance, then, wherever you may be; I am the Lord of the Dance," said he. "And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, and I'll lead you all in the dance," said he.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Thanks for reading; and now go and be happy in the knowledge that you are the Beloved of the LORD. 

xoxo

It is God's dream, and He delights to do it in us and through us.

-- David A. Seamands, paraphrasing Caleb and Joshua in Numbers 14:8-10

// w a n d e r e r s //

                                                                                                 

- 05/29/15 -

Daydreamers are misnamed. 

We are not primarily dreamers.  We are wanderers.

Just before sleep, sitting on a swing, in the smell of rain, in snatches of midday reverie that we reach out and capture amidst ordinary occupations, we wander the landscapes of our hearts and the corridors of our minds. 

Clouds are not merely clouds to us.  They are a host of living entities -- lifting our eyes, taking our hands, raising our souls -- pointing far above and beyond themselves to our home, to the place where our wandering will end, safe with our Savior, our Father, our Friend, Who knows what we dream and why. 

And stories -- stories are not lead or ink to the dreamer-wanderer.  They, as one story-spinner put it, are life. And they are music.  And the music is silvery and immortal -- the ballad of the dreamer on his or her solitary but placid road.  

I may not look it, but my soul is a wanderer.  

// g a l a x i e s //

- 11/04/16 -

It seems like my inner universe keeps crumbling
Over
And
Over
And
Over,
All the bright constellations whirling and
Centering into a vortex
Around one merciless planet;
And it only takes so long before stars that
Looked like Tolkien's Earendil implode.
There seems to be no beauty at all.
But explosions of coruscating fire
Can be beautiful, too -- light so cosmic
That it's too brilliant to be tolerated close up.
There might still be an Earendil that
Survives from that disintegration, and I
Won't see the radiance until a refracted comet
Of leftover fire scintillates across my sky
Again.
And then I'll know,
And then I'll remember,
And then I'll smile,
And then I'll thank
The Maker of my internal galaxies
For piecing them back together again.

So . . . I made this . . .

I'mma be honest with you guys:  I don't know how this is going to turn out.  All I know right now is that I feel that God might be leading me to create this blog and to trust Him with its future, so voila.  (For more deets, see the 'Manifesto' page -- and speaking of, is 'Manifesto' too cheesy a title?  It might be, but I'll most likely keep it anyways.)

The shadowy ideas that I have for the blog's future consist of discussing post-high school life, as you can read on the sidebar.  Theoretically, this includes future college exploits/rants, writing WIPs (that stands for Work In Progress, doesn't it?  I'm so out of the loop), and potentially even some sage life advice from the Wise, Experienced and Learned yours truly.  (Ha.  HAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.)

SO.  That, you might say, is the deal.  We'll see where this takes us. 

Thanks for reading, God bless you, and have a great day!